For many Americans death has become medicalized. Death is often viewed as some failure of medical treatment and less as a stage of life. We logically understand that we will die someday yet it is not something that as a culture we talk about much. Understandably so. It is scary and uncomfortable. We all have personal experiences, theologies and family beliefs that inform what we mean when we talk about death.
This often leaves many individuals and families surprised, shocked and confused when a significant other, close friend or family member dies. We are often left with our grief to “just figure it out” or “just give it time.” We find ourselves unable to sleep, out of emotional balance, angry, tearful and unable to hold a thought in our heads.
Grieving is a healthy response to loss. In fact, grieving is not unnatural, it is a normal part of what it means to be alive. Many have grieved the loss of a friendship, family pet or the end of a dream. Grieving is not a rarity, it is part of our daily lives.
"It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart." —Ecclesiastes 7:2
Psychologist William Worden has developed what he calls the four tasks of mourning. What Worden offers is a way to engage, not deny, our grief. Grief is work. It takes time and energy. What Worden offers is a path towards transforming our grief into something that offers new life. The passing of a dream offers us the discovery of new passions. Cherished moments and memories can become a source of new joy.
Here is a summary of the four tasks that Worden offers. Each task needs to be engaged. Skipping or glossing over these tasks will leave a person “stuck” in their grief.
1. Accept the Reality of the Loss
You must acknowledge the loss. Something really happened and you must not pretend that it didn't happen. Your marriage ended. Your loved one died. Your company passed you over. Acceptance is the first step towards adapting and moving forward.
2. Experience the Pain of Grief
You must experience the pain of what you have lost and take proper steps to process those feelings. You can process with a trusted friend, mentor, or family member. In many communities there are bereavement groups that are often free of charge and can put you in contact with others who have experienced loss similar to yours.
Other helpful ways to experience the pain while also processing it can be activities such as: writing a song, painting a picture, writing in a journal or making a video. Some find it helpful to keep a notebook, piece of paper or journal next to their bed at night to capture those late night thoughts and feelings.
3. Adjust to an Environment With the "Deceased" Missing
Things have changed. Your life is not the same. Things are different because your marriage has ended, your work has laid you off, or your loved one has died. It is okay to make new friendships, try a new restaurant or pursue a new goal. You might have to learn new things such as managing your finances or taking on additional household chores. This is adapting to the reality of a new environment.
4. Find an Enduring Connection with the "Deceased" While Embarking on a New Life
Truth be told, when it comes to the passing of a loved one, there is no such thing as closure. Your relationship with them continues yet in a different way. The joy and warmth you experienced from your deceased loved one will always be with you. Try to think of the time you had with them as a gift. Rather than focus on what you lost, put your attention on what you received from your loved one. Keep with you those cherished moments and memories as a source of joy and strength as you embrace a new and different life.
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