Skip to main content

Blessed are those who mourn

 

For many Americans death has become medicalized. Death is often viewed as some failure of medical treatment and less as a stage of life. We logically understand that we will die someday yet it is not something that as a culture we talk about much. Understandably so. It is scary and uncomfortable. We all have personal experiences, theologies and family beliefs that inform what we mean when we talk about death. 

This often leaves many individuals and families surprised, shocked and confused when a significant other, close friend or family member dies. We are often left with our grief to “just figure it out” or “just give it time.” We find ourselves unable to sleep, out of emotional balance, angry, tearful and unable to hold a thought in our heads. 

Grieving is a healthy response to loss. In fact, grieving is not unnatural, it is a normal part of what it means to be alive. Many have grieved the loss of a friendship, family pet or the end of a dream. Grieving is not a rarity, it is part of our daily lives. 

 "It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart." —Ecclesiastes 7:2

Psychologist William Worden has developed what he calls the four tasks of mourning. What Worden offers is a way to engage, not deny, our grief. Grief is work. It takes time and energy. What Worden offers is a path towards transforming our grief into something that offers new life.  The passing of a dream offers us the discovery of new passions. Cherished moments and memories can become a source of new joy. 

Here is a summary of the four tasks that Worden offers. Each task needs to be engaged. Skipping or glossing over these tasks will leave a person “stuck” in their grief. 

1. Accept the Reality of the Loss

You must acknowledge the loss. Something really happened and you must not pretend that it didn't happen. Your marriage ended. Your loved one died. Your company passed you over.  Acceptance is the first step towards adapting and moving forward.

2. Experience the Pain of Grief 

You must experience the pain of what you have lost and take proper steps to process those feelings. You can process with a trusted friend, mentor, or family member. In many communities there are bereavement groups that are often free of charge and can put you in contact with others who have experienced loss similar to yours.

Other helpful ways to experience the pain while also processing it can be activities such as: writing a song, painting a picture, writing in a journal or making a video. Some find it helpful to keep a notebook, piece of paper or journal next to their bed at night to capture those late night thoughts and feelings. 

3. Adjust to an Environment With the "Deceased" Missing

Things have changed. Your life is not the same. Things are different because your marriage has ended, your work has laid you off, or your loved one has died. It is okay to make new friendships, try a new restaurant or pursue a new goal. You might have to learn new things such as managing your finances or taking on additional household chores. This is adapting to the reality of a new environment. 

4. Find an Enduring Connection with the "Deceased" While Embarking on a New Life

Truth be told, when it comes to the passing of a loved one, there is no such thing as closure. Your relationship with them continues yet in a different way. The joy and warmth you experienced from your deceased loved one will always be with you. Try to think of the time you had with them as a gift. Rather than focus on what you lost, put your attention on what you received from your loved one. Keep with you those cherished moments and memories as a source of joy and strength as you embrace a new and different life. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Thoughts on The Widening of God's Mercy by Hays and Hays

When I heard about the book by Hays and Hays titled The Widening of God Mercy I was intrigued. I had read Richard Hays' book The Moral Vision of the New Testament in seminary, especially the chapter on homosexuality. I ended up adopting much, if not all, of Hays' position on homosexuality and often used his reasoning while serving as a church minister.  I have read other things that Richard Hays has written such as Reading Backwards: Figural Christology and the Fourfold Gospel Witness and found it beneficial to my understanding of Jesus and what it means to be a follower of Jesus. When it was suggested that Richard Hays might have changed his mind about what he wrote in  The Moral Vision of the New Testament  on homosexuality, I wanted to find out for myself.  My Context I spent over ten years doing youth ministry in the local church. I now know many adults who used to be teenagers in my youth group. Some of those adults are gay or lesbian. That means unbeknownst ...
Post a Comment
Read more

What is 666 all about?

There are a lot of things that can totally creep us out. Certain foods. A dark hallway. Halloween night with a full moon. Watching a fast food worker cough into their hands and then use their hands to wrap up your burger. Clowns. People who have way too many cats. Lots of stuff creep us out.  For many the number 666 is creepy. The number is often connected to the Devil, evil happenings or viewed as a bad omen. A few years ago I was doing some visiting rounds as a hospital chaplain. I visited a man who was in room 6XX. The hospital knew that people were creeped out by the number 666 so they changed the room number to 6XX. As I visited with the man in the room he informed me that he was a good Baptist, had been going to church for years, and was mad. I mean he was really mad.  He expressed his great displeasure at being in “the Devil’s room.” He got loud, so loud that I am sure the people at the other end of the hallway could hear him. He had quickly figured out that 6XX was rea...
3 comments
Read more

Worshiping the Executioner part 2 (Suffering and Faith)

The medical staff quietly and somberly removed all the medical lines and devices from the 48-hour-old baby. The baby's mother and father wanted to hold their child for the first time. Removing all the medical devices meant that their child would live only a few moments. Holding your child for the first time should be a joyful occasion. Instead of this moment being a kind of introduction between parent and child it was a goodbye. The baby's body was simply not set up to survive and thrive.  After removing all the medical equipment the little one was wrapped in a blanket and gently handed into the arms of the mother. The room went silent as the mother softly repeated "Mommy and Daddy love you" while she wept. The baby's father wept and kissed his newborn on the forehead. Other family members in the room started to cry as well. Once the little one had passed the family gathered together to pray. After composing himself, one of the older men in the family offered a pr...
Post a Comment
Read more