The Sunday worship service was coming to a close. The senior minister that I had been serving with stood on the worship stage to give the closing prayer. Before he gave the closing prayer he announced the results of the vote of confidence that had been held on the Sunday prior. He went on to announce that he had not received 75% of the congregational vote and therefore this would be his last Sunday.
There is a long back story as to what brought about this vote of confidence on the minister. Long story short is that there was some kind of a conflict between the senior minister and some long time members of the church. Those members complained to and colluded with some of those serving as an Elder to have a vote of confidence on the senior minister. On the Sunday of the vote attendance was high. People who had not been in attendance for many months rolled out of bed just to cast their vote.
When the senior minister announced it was his last Sunday some people began to get up and walk out. The minister asked that everyone pause for a moment of prayer. Before he could pray a woman jumped out of the pew she was seated in and bolted to the front of the worship area. She stood at the front of the stage and with tears in her eyes and a loud voice she said something like, “You all know this is wrong! This is a good man! What happened here is wrong and many of you know it! This is all a set up!” People kept getting up and walking out and others remained seated. The minister again called for a pause and a moment of prayer.
From where I was seated I could start to hear yelling coming from the front foyer area where the people leaving had started to gather. The minister went ahead and offered a prayer and people began to make their way out. As I walked into the foyer area those who had gathered there had divided into two groups. They were yelling at each other over the results of the vote of confidence and what had brought about the vote of confidence in the first place. Some were even waving copies of the church by-laws in the air and suggesting that the rules of the by-laws were not followed. I didn’t hang around to see how all of that turned out. I can tell you that from that point forward two separate churches began to meet in the same church building for a time.
That event scared me. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I was brand new to local church ministry. I had never witnessed anything like that before. Why were these brothers and sisters in Christ being so hardhearted and angry towards one another? Regrettably, there are many moments similar to this one that local church ministers have experienced. Sadder still is that this story is a mild one. Many ministers could share stories that have caused them (and their families) deep pain and trauma due to the treatment they received from their brothers and sisters in Christ. It was a painful and scary moment. Sadly, it would not be the last but the first of many.
Often when ministers gather for meetings, events or for lunch it can be a time for them to share their painful stories. These painful stories can have a lot of shame and guilt connected to them. People who do ministry tend to be people pleasers. They often don’t cope with conflict well. They tend to view conflict as a sign that they have failed. Somehow and in some way they did something to cause the conflict. They didn’t do something right. They didn’t meet someone’s expectations. They figure somehow they failed and now people are upset with them. The conflicts ministers experience in the local church often lead to a lack of restful sleep, using food to compensate for their anxieties and bouts of depression. Google "statistics on pastors" or "preachers and isolation" and check the info for yourself.
I was headed home from being at the church building all day. My plan was to go home for a short while to be with my family before attending a church men’s event that same evening. When I got home I could hear the raised voice of my then wife coming from the kitchen. I found my son and his mom attempting to do some homework at the kitchen table. She was frustrated and my son had tears coming from his eyes. I announced my presence and she quickly got up from the table. She expressed that our son didn't want to do his homework and she had had enough. She announced that she had a bad headache and was going to go take a nap. I was left to handle the fallout. I comforted my son and sent him to do something else in his room for a few moments while I figured out what to cook for dinner and attempted to process what the heck had just happened.
I sent a text message to one of the men going to the men’s event and told them that my wife had a bad headache and I would not be able to attend. A few moments after sending that text message my then wife emerged from our bedroom and told me that she was going to go for a walk at the park (I would later learn that often a walk in the park meant going to see another man). Apparently while she was at the park she posted something to her Facebook account that made it obvious that she was not at home experiencing a bad headache. The guy whom I had texted about not being able to go to the men’s event could see her post.
Some time after that happened I found myself being confronted about not attending the men’s event. I was at a church leadership meeting and found myself being accused of lying and being deceitful. How was it that my wife was home experiencing a headache when she posted on Facebook about her walk at the park?
At that moment I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel like I could say what really happened without sounding like I was making something up or attempting to cover something up. I had done nothing wrong! Yet assumptions were made and minds were already made up. Needless to say it was a long meeting that left me emotionally and physically exhausted. It was another painful moment.
Over the course of my 20 plus years of serving in the local church there is much that I celebrate. It is not all pain. Wonderful celebrations over those who have been baptized. Participating in beautiful wedding ceremonies. Thankfully many of those marriages are still going strong! I celebrate being able to offer some comforting thoughts, sometimes through tearful eyes, for many funeral services. I am grateful for those who sent cards or notes with a word of encouragement. I celebrate the many mission trips and youth events and doing some good in the community. There is much to celebrate!
Often in the midst of celebrating the wonderful aspects of church ministry what often gets downplayed, if not down right ignored, is that serving in ministry comes with pain. Just read the book of Jeremiah. I once told a teenager, during summer church camp, that if they were really thinking about going into the ministry that they needed to read the book of Jeremiah. And then they needed to read it again. Jesus’ ministry was certainly not pain free. How would you feel if your family thought you were out of your mind? Would that not be painful? What if 12 of your friends didn't listen to you well and often misrepresented the things that you said? Would that not be painful? Jesus makes it clear that pain and suffering are part of the deal (John 16:33).
Those who serve in ministry get that ministry is all about loving God and loving people. The people involved in ministry have it drilled into them at Bible college, conferences, books and a host of other ways that ministry is about loving God and loving people. What people in ministry were ill prepared for was the pain. Not just ill prepared for the pain but often feel guilt when they are in pain. Ministry is about loving God and loving people and not about me or my issues. People in ministry don't want to make things about them. Agonizingly then often those in ministry are playing hurt. They desire to walk faithfully with God yet they often do so with a limp.
I had just returned from an awesome mission trip to India. The trip was awesome for a host of reasons. One of them was getting to visit with my good college friend Vivert Lall and witness the growth of Mid-India Church Partners. Yet I also had a lot on my mind. My marriage was falling to pieces. I felt like I had failed as a husband, father and church leader. As much as I enjoyed seeing the beauty of the Taj Mahal again I was secretly in pain. Not long after returning home I attended a church leadership meeting. The last part of the meeting was to finalize the church budget for next year. After a long discussion of other budget matters my pay for next year came up. I was informed that while I was gone my compensation for next year had been cut by $2,500. I was in shock. I didn't know what to say. The explanation for the cut in pay was that some kind of internet research had been done on ministers salaries compared to the size of the congregation. My pay was considered too high for the current size of the congregation. I walked away from the meeting feeling horrible. I now felt like a failure at home and at work.
I bring all this up to suggest that perhaps the word missing from the recent Sojourners article is pain. Church leaderships typically function by making decisions that cause the least amount of pain to the greatest amount of people (the same can be said of business and political leaders as well). The fall out of that kind of decision making is that it creates a situation in which ministers tend to either overfunction or underfunction instead of operating out of self-differentiation and healthy personal boundaries.
Perhaps the overarching element to all of the recent resignations of ministers is that they finally reached their pain threshold. Their pain became such that they finally acknowledged it and took some steps to take care of themselves. Before we go judging them or making assumptions about the so-called “real reasons.” Maybe what we could do is say an earnest prayer for them, thank them for the service and offer them some resources that could assist them with working through their pain.
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