Outside it was hot (and inside was no better)

Outside it was a hot day. I don’t really enjoy hot days. I like fall weather. My alabaster white skin just burns to a crisp on hot sunny days. Inside there was a lot of emotional uncomfortableness. I don’t really like emotional uncomfortableness either. It has taken some learning and practice to become better able to remain in the midst of emotional uncomfortableness without feeling the need to resolve things. Yet this story comes from a time when I had not learned healthy coping skills, personal boundaries and the ingredients to a healthy marriage.

Perhaps you have heard the saying “If momma ain’t happy, then nobody is happy.” Well in my case when momma (ex-wife) wasn’t happy I took on the responsibility to fix the situation. And there were a lot of times momma wasn’t happy. She told me her unhappiness was often tied to her self diagnosed OCD. Whatever the case I had put myself in the position of attempting to maintain homeostasis in the household. When there was conflict I attempted to calm things down. It was a lot of responsibility to carry that was not mine to carry.

What I am getting at is . . . just under the surface of me saying “I’m okay”, “things are good”, “I love my wife” was a lot of frustration. I didn't realize, at the time, what I was experiencing. I was just going off of what I thought I was expected to do and what I had seen modeled as a child. What I did know was that I didn't feel safe talking about what I felt in my marriage.  Often when I did express what I felt it became, I was told, the cause of her unhappiness. 

Like I mentioned, it was a hot day outside. Another emotional meltdown had occurred inside the house. Momma wasn’t happy and for some reason I thought doing something outside with my young boys would bring peace to things. My sons, at the time, were little. I decided that the family car needed to get washed and that the boys could help. Perhaps a little outside activity would calm things down. I put on some swim trunks and slipped into my flip-flops. I got the hose out and filled a bucket with some soapy water. I let the boys spray the car and each other with water from the hose.

Things were going okay at first. The boys were having fun spraying each other and the car was slowly getting clean. I think more water was used by the boys to spray each other than the car. Gradually they lost interest. It was hot and they were thirsty. They wanted to cool off inside. I was left outside in the heat to finish washing the car. Have I mentioned that I don’t enjoy hot days?

I don’t know how long I was outside washing the car but it was long enough to start getting sunburnt on my face, arms and legs. I was determined to finish washing the car. Finally I got the car washed, rinsed off and dried off. The car was looking good. Shinny and spot free. I was getting ready to go inside and relax. That was when Austin, my youngest wearing nothing but a diaper, picked up the hose. He sprayed my back with water and about half the car as well. I lost it. I yelled at him. Told him to drop the hose and go inside. I stormed inside. I was upset. I was angry. I was half wet, sunburned and slightly dehydrated. 

Mixed in with being sunburnt was the underlying feeling that things were not well with my marriage and with me. I had just yelled at my son. He was shocked and hiding out in his room. I had scared my son! Over getting wet when I was already wet! What was I doing yelling at my son! I felt horrible. Looking back I had a few clues something wasn’t right. All you have to do is live long enough to learn that often the surface complaint is coming from some deeper issue. Almost always something is about something else.

On Sundays at church, while serving as a church minister, I often heard a lot of other men talk about their marriages. They talked about driving with their wife for hours without the radio on and just talking and laughing. I heard stories about fun game nights and the enjoyment found in just being around their wife. These men were describing this awesome friendship that they had with their wives. I felt like that was missing. That relaxed enjoyment was missing. A deep and meaningful friendship was missing. The ability to be in the car and just talk about anything and everything was missing. We simply didn’t have a good friendship. 

If you would have asked me how my marriage was I would have told you something like “things are good”, “I love my wife” and other such platitudes. I believed what I was saying. After all, as I have been told, marriage is not about being happy. You’re supposed to keep your vows till death through good times and hard times. Marriage isn’t about your level of enjoyment. It is about the other person. These are some of the things that I told myself mixed in with all kinds of theological ideals. 

Many years after this event my marriage would come to an end. Shocker, right? It was painful and humiliating.  It was something that I did not want. I feel like marriage is something worthy of being given every opportunity at restoration. Yet years of neglect, a lack of friendship and the deep wounds of infidelity (not on my part) had left my marriage in ruins.

I was probably emotionally exhausted, many times during my marriage, and just didn't know it. I was attempting to be the peacekeeper of the home. When tensions ran high I kicked into gear and worked on trying to bring the tension to some kind of peaceful resolution. Instead of allowing folks to problem solve or be responsible for their own emotional stuff, I took on that responsibility. It wasn't a fun place to be and it lasted for years. Eventually my divorce provided much need relief, allowed for healing and provided a path to new and healthy relationships. 

A few reflections . . . 

• If you are planning on getting married then be sure you have built a good and healthy friendship. Do you enjoy being around that person? Being around them makes you smile. Could you drive in the car with the radio off and talk - about anything and everything? I realize that not everyone is a talker. Not everyone is a good listener either. Yet do you feel like you can say what is on your heart and mind to your significant other? If you don't feel safe sharing your full self with your partner then that is a definite red flag. 

• I believe that men and women are both horrible at emotions. Men are typically socialized to pretend as if they don’t have any emotions. Most men, when asked what they are feeling, will typically say that they feel nothing or are angry. Little boys get told “don’t cry” but it is okay for them to be angry. Women tend to be socialized to express what they are feeling. Consider the stereotypical portrayal of the overly emotional wife or girlfriend in pop-culture. Yet both men and women suck at how to appropriately express what they are feeling. In others we all have some work to do in the areas of identifying, processing, coping with and expressing our emotions. Find a counselor and get to work on all of that. 

• You’re not alone. I felt alone. Especially as a church minister. Being a local church minister is one of the most high stress and complex jobs that anyone can attempt to undertake. Many ministers often feel surrounded by people yet alone at the same time. As the local church minister I felt an expectation to have a great marriage which made talking about my marriage difficult. If you’re a local church minister, I feel your secret pain. Just know that you’re not alone in your struggles. If you need a safe a person to listen then send me a message. I would be happy to listen.